Five Signs to Recognize a PK

Dear Arah and Etan,

People have their own idea of what a PK should be. But let me share with you five signs to recognize a PK. I wrote this article for a PK blog (www.thepkpad.wordpress.com) and I am cross-posting it here.

There are many Preachers’ Kids (Pks) scattered all over. But the difficult life of being PKs pushed them to master the skill of adapting to their environment that you will not recognize PKs unless they tell you. A PK would just look like any ordinary person that, if within a group, it will be difficult to distinguish one from the rest. PKs now capitalize on their camouflage and shy away from the great expectation that goes with the label. I should know. But I will give you some tips that will help you recognize a PK when you see one. Here are 5 signs that will make you suspect a person is a PK.
1. He comes early to church but sits at the back pew. You would expect a PK to seat in the front pew, or lead worship, if he is not already in the choir.  But by the time the PK can go to church by himself, he will no longer go to his preacher-parent’s church. Yes, he will go to another church where he will not be compelled to lead the Sunday School. But he remains a good church member: coming early to church, singing hymns with the congregation, kneeling in the rails to pray, and giving wholeheartedly his tithes. But because he is not musically inclined, and not a born leader and speaker, too, he abhors being in front, and so he sits at the back pew of the church and pretends no one sees him.
2. She works in the corporate world. The great expectation for a PK is to become a deaconess, if not also a pastor. Since her childhood, she was called “the little deaconess” whenever she tags along her preacher-parent. She has the talent and skill typical of a church worker. She is a born leader. When she started teaching Sunday School as a youth, people were sure what course she will take in college. So she took up business management and now works with a multinational company.  She still goes to church regularly and is actively involved in the children’s ministry of the church.
3. He loves to party on Friday nights. Yes, he knows how to party. He has a social life unexpected for a PK. As a young adult, a PK lives a social life like any ordinary young adult. He balances work and play. But when he parties, he parties hard. You think he parties too much he does not find time to attend midweek prayer meetings or other church activities. He loves to hang out with friends, go bar hopping, and attend other social events. Like his friends, he drinks occasionally. He may even puff a cigarette or two. Whenever he is under a lot of stress in school or work, he goes to see a movie to unwind with his friends. Most of his friends are in the church young people’s group.
4. She is not an honor student. A PK is expected to perform well academically. Very well. Anything short of that expectation and she is a failure. So you will be surprised to know that the PK is not a consistent honor student. She may perfect some exams in her favorite subject but she has never cracked the top ten in her class. Most PKs belong to your average students. She may even sometimes fail in her exams but she is smart…street smart. She is also good in sports. No, not volleyball. Extreme sports like rock climbing or cross-country are her thing. Yes, she does a lot of unexpected things for a PK.
5. He is a sinner. You expect a PK to be the epitome of a perfect Christian. But he knows he is not perfect, yet he strives for Christian perfection. He acknowledges he is a sinner and have come short of the glory of God. Like any other Christian, he struggles in life and stumbles often. He has broken all the Ten Commandments, seriously. He would have broken the eleventh or twelfth commandment if there was one. When he commits a sin, it becomes magnified. He only hopes that when God forgives him, it also magnifies God’s grace for the people to see. And in his imperfect life, people will not see the PK but witness a great God at work to change him and wash away all his sins. You will know a PK because, like any other Christian, he strives to be holy as his Father in heaven is holy.

Cheap Ministry for PK

Dear Arah and Etan,

I came across an article about doing "ministry for free." You can read about it on   http://www.thehighcalling.org/work/should-christians-get-paid-less-because-their-work-ministry#.UnBSrxA6ygi.

As a PK you will ALWAYS encounter such an argument. Church people will expect you to offer your services for free disguised as "your ministry." I remember a story Alleluia once shared. She is a PK and she works as a music teacher in a big university here. She plays many musical instrument and she is really good in playing the piano. People even pay good money to watch and listen to her play piano once a month in the University Cafe. Now you would expect her to play in the church during Sundays, right? That's what the church expected too.

The church council hires a pianist to play the piano on Sunday mornings. But whenever the pianist is absent, they ask Alleluia to fill in and play the piano yet they never pay her. Maybe because she is a PK. This practice continued until the church realized that Alleluia is a church member with gifts they can tap. The church later asked her to play the piano regularly on Sundays. And because she is a PK, they are asking for a discount. They are hoping they could save some money with Alleluia than the current pianist they have. The saved money can then be used for more important church work. The church wanted something cheap for their (music) ministry. That is a cheap ministry!

Remember that all ministry is God's ministry. We are but an instrument of God's work, especially if you are a PK (people remind you that). Should we then receive compensation for doing God's work (most church people do not think so)? Should we not be compensated for our ministry? How can one do God's work without proper support to her, her needs and her work? This is not about money. It is about putting value on the work of God. In the real world, we spend our money in things that are valuable to us. If we value God's work, does it mean we give money to somebody doing God's work (like how they treat our clergy-parents)? Or should we receive big rewards for doing God's work (which church people are not willing to do for Alleluia)?

Church members are told to give offerings willingly according to their hearts desire. They are told that is their ministry. The church often illustrate the poor widow (Luke 21:1 to 4) who gives her 2 small copper coins as an example of offering to God what is valuable to oneself. The poor widow knows her offered coins is her ministry to the needy. And she was willing to give even if it was the only thing valuable she had left. Hers is not a cheap ministry. Just like Alleluia, she was willing to share her musical talent even if she knows she will not be compensated well as there was little value given to her music ministry. Hers is not a cheap ministry.

The issue is about how we value God's ministry. It is not about the one doing God's work. But to the value one gives to God's work. If the church does not compensate well the worker and her work, then they are not like the poor widow willing to give everything they have for God's work. We invest in important things. The church will invest nothing in unimportant work. It will not spend money in works with no value. As a PK, people will assume your church work is for free. If the church is not willing to invest in your work, they are not giving value to your work. A work that is given no value becomes a cheap ministry. You will encounter cheap ministry a lot as a PK.  

But remember, whenever you encounter problems, you are not alone.

Missing in Church

Dear Arah and Etan,

You asked me, "what do you do when you cannot go to church?" I am guessing now that you have heard a ton of bashing from church members because they did not see you in church last week. I know you feel like it is the greatest sin for a Pastor's Kid like us not to be seen in church because you are expected to be there. I know you feel like it is your obligation to hear your Dad preach on Sundays despite him giving you a sermon almost everyday.I know how it feels like the worst kid ever for not being on church on a Sunday. I know how you feel that the church people are quick to judge you rather than sympathize and ask why you missed church in the first place.  They did not even bother to ask if anything was wrong to make you miss church. They would have known that they were pushing you away. They would have known that you were somewhere else. They would have know that you were in a place where you feel loved. They would have known you were in a sacred place where you can freely worship God. They would have known that you were in fact in a "church." Only, it was not in 'their' church.

When I was your age, I started traveling especially on weekends. I loved it especially when I get to worship in a place that no one recognizes me. A different local church. In those instances, I feel closer to God. It is during those times when I can worship God freely without the watchful eyes of the church people. I can worship God honestly without having to worry people's comment on my church manner and behavior. Yes, when your heart truly worships God, the place should not matter. But we PK's understand that a heart that truly worships God is a heart that does not worry about the place around him/her - there is peace in his/her heart. Most of the times, we experience that peace whenever we are "missing" in church.

Remember whenever you encounter problems, you are not alone.

   

New Church

Dear Arah and Etan,

How was your first Sunday in your dad's new church appointment? Were you received well by the members? I know they are now observing you and making their expectations for a PK like you.

Do not be surprised if members start asking you about your hidden talents and skills. They will always expect you to be good in singing and playing instruments. They are now planning to recruit you to join the choir or be part of the praise and worship team. There is nothing wrong with that, but to expect you to do that then be disappointed if you are not musically gifted is another thing. People will always assume that as PKs you are born with musical talents and you will save their inability to encourage other members to join the choir and praise team. I remember Josie, a fellow PK, who intentionally did not learn to play the guitar and hated singing in public even if our music teacher told her she has the talent. I guess she was being rebellious. She did tell me she wanted to be in the choir and be part of the music team but wanted to do it on her own will, on her own terms, out of love to serve God and not from the pressure and expectations of the people around her.

I hope you started making friends already with other youths in the church. I know they too will have expectations from you. They will be bashful to invite you to join in their "gimmicks" to the mall and in watching the latest "Superman" movie because they don't expect PKs to do such stuffs. Don't worry, invite them instead and they will be surprised you are just an ordinary teenager like them.
I know some people will not approach you and offer a welcome hand. They will simply assume that you are a transient kid that will come in their church for a year or two then go while they are there for years. Yes, many will treat you as an outsider and a stranger. But don't think this is the Christian welcome and warmth of fellowship. This is the exception rather than the rule. Just feel at home. They may just be threatened with the new things your Dad will introduce in church to improve their practice of "open hearts, open minds, open doors."

Don't lose faith. The people in your church call themselves Christians. How bad can that be?

Write me soon and share your experiences during your first several weeks there. Remember, in all your struggles... you are not alone.

Last Sunday of the Church Calendar

Dear Arah and Etan,

I know this is the last Sunday of the Church Calendar. Next Sunday you will be in a new church appointment. I understand the excitement and the anxiety you are experiencing right now.

One of the issue we PKs face is moving to a new place... and new school. I know you two are in school. As you move to a new place, you will have to say goodbye from your friends in school. It is hard to leave friends especially if you have already established a good relationship with them. I know because I had a hard time too. I grew up not having any "barkada" nor long-time "childhood friends" because we also moved every year. It is difficult especially if you are growing up and trying to find peers as you establish your identity. It is difficult to not have friends established by long years of friendship. But be strong.

It is more difficult to not have "old" friends in school. I know you are anxious to be the new student when school opens. You will feel like an outsider in any peer group. You will have to adjust fast to be able to blend in.

Aside from the problem of belonging to a group, you may never feel "at home" in your school. It is indeed difficult to call a school your alma mater when you only stayed there for a year while some of your classmates studied there the whole time. You may never have the feeling that you "belong" in the school. But don't worry. As you move to a new school this coming school year, take pride in having many schools to call your school... take pride in meeting more kids than any other kid can.

One of our friends, Macky, will have to live for a year away from his pastor dad. His dad was appointed away from their hometown and so Macky will have an absentee dad for a year (or more) and his mom will have to raise him alone. But I will tell you next time about having to grow up a PK away from your parent next time.

I know that you are anxious this coming week and feel that no one understands you... You might feel like blaming the church for not considering your plight... We understand you. Remember we are here... You are not alone.

New Year and New life?

Hi Arah and Etan,

We started this year with meeting new and other PKs from other churches.

We met in one of the fancy restaurants in the outskirts of the city. It was such a blessing to hear stories from fellow PKs. I could only pray that you were there to hear them too. It was really heart warming to know that there are people who share the same experience and the same sentiments as you do.

This new year, we talked about New Life. One of the reflections given by a PK was how our life as PKs are different from the other Christians. It begins with meeting Christ. Most Christians have stories that are made-for-TV stories. They were black sheeps in the family and they lived a sinful life. Some were addicts and hooked to drugs, alcohol, smoking and other vices. Their lives were changed when they knew Christ.

But most PK's don't have the same story. We could only envy those people who experienced a big turnaround in their life. We could only wonder how it felt? It might really felt good.

PKs are different. From the moment we were born, we are surrounded by loving Christian parents. Our earliest memories include singing Sunday school songs and short Christian choruses. The people we know are Christians. The activities that we attend to are Jesus-oriented. We do not know what a beer taste like and what a disco house feels like. We were taught early on that smoking was bad for it destroys our body - God's holy temple. We had curfews and they were strict.

We felt like deprived kids growing up. We were deprived of the good things of this world - the material things that people die for.

But then we realize that it was all good. That we should be thankful to our parents for raising us up as good little Christian kids. That we were not subjected to the evils of this world. As Susana Wesley said, what is the use of allowing kids to start bad habits only to break them when they are older.

It is only right to start a Christian life as young as we can. For it is the life that we want to live not only when we are adults, not only when we are young but all through out our life.  Our testimonies need not be dramatic like a "lost and found" story. Our testimony is that God is at work early on in our lives, for God knows us even when we were in our mothers womb.

The New Life need not be from a life of "hell" to a life of "heaven." New life is being born again in the Holy Spirit and this could be even when we are little kids growing up in church. For even little children can belong to God. "If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old life is gone, a new life has begun."

And for us PK's, New Life begins early.

The Fellowship

Hello Arah and Etan.

Several days ago, I was invited to a Fellowship. This was the gathering of fellow Pastor's Kids. It was a simple get together over dinner. But I was so blessed to hear stories from fellow Pastor's Kids. These kids belong to other church traditions and denominations but we share the same stories.

The common theme in our stories is the struggle of the kids and the hurt they had to endure while growing up. I asked myself if the churchpeople ever thought of the welfare of the PKs. I wondered if they ever thought of ministering to the PKs. Or maybe they never saw the need. Maybe so. Because they are Pastor's Kids, the Pastors will take care of them. Or worst, the churchpeople think that they are like their parent's - they can handle the pressure (by default.) A memorable anecdote that one shared is that "PKs are like fishes in a fishbowl." That was so true. Chruchpeople see all our actions including our wrong acts. And I added, "they look at us in a fishbowl with a magnifying glass."

It was a blessing knowing that we are not alone in our journey as PKs. I pray that there are many more fellowships like these in other places to help other PKs. Someday, I hope you, Arah and Etan, will be able to join in such Fellowships. I will be content in the knowledge that you will not walk alone in your journey, for there are fellowships that will help you along the way.